* jazzyhands *

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::13.8.04:: Jazzyhands :: Director's Cut

Sometimes while surfing this big ole 'net you could across a blog or journal that gives you hours of enjoyment. Someone who writes with rapier wit and cutting observations about topics you totally identify with. You ignore work details and a rumbling stomach and a full bladder so that you can savour every word. Have you ever had that feeling? I did today when I rediscovered my old blog, for who can entertain me quite like me?

Of course there is an extra level of amusement and reading-between-the-lines-ability going on here. For outsiders, an entry posted on 2/12/01 about buying a tin trunk with the intention of painting it all pretty probably doesn't mean a lot, but for me it brings back memories of dragging that trunk outside putting on a few layers of iridescent purple paint (2 weeks ago ... the phrase 'slack as hessian underwear' comes to mind).

Anyway, in the tradition of slapping some extra footage into old movies and calling them director's cuts or, more to the point, rerunning those same old Simpson's episodes every summer... I decided to repost some of the better entries. This is one of my personal favourites....


Unfreeze Me

I was having a discussion at work today about the sorry state of my finances, yet again, and I decided that there is only one real solution to this dilemma. I need to take holidays for a while and get cryogenically frozen. That way I will be getting an income and not spending it. This seemed like winner all round except for a few technical difficulties and maybe the cost of the cryogenics. But practicalities aside, this works for me. Hell it might even be a good way to lose some weight at the same time.

But my dreams came down in a big heap when one of the guys asked me who I was going to get to unfreeze me. Think about it - that's a hell of a lot of trust to put in another human being. And even if you consider the person loves you so much that they would never, ever purposefully leave you frozen forever they might just forget you. Go to all your loved ones and ask them. Sure they will say they will unfreeze you when the time comes.

Now to really put this to the test, go to their deep freeze. Get out all the good stuff and hunt around at the back. Under all the white, snowy freezer stuff and the hard titanic-sinking icebergs. There you will find it. The pack of mystery meat*. Hell, it mightn't even be meat for all you know. It has been there for so long. It's iced up and forgotten.

And that, my friend, is going to be you. Once that parcel of meat* meant something to them. They had hopes and dreams for that meat. Maybe it was going to be a casserole or a red beef curry. Maybe it was some yummy bones for a winter soup. Well not any more. It's useless, neglected, forgotten and way past it's use-by-date.

See people have the best intentions, but it's just a fact of human nature that out of sight is really out of mind. And once you are frozen they might pull you out and gaze at you a few times in the early days. But then they will put you right back in there. After a while the younger fresher stuff will be plonked on top and the loved ones mind will turn to more immediate worries.

There you will stay until one day, maybe, there is a power failure or they have to move house or something of that nature. They will wonder what the horrible smelly thing at the back of the freezer is, and it will be you. You will be the thing they are gingerly removing with two fingers while the fingers of the other hand are blocking their nose. You will be that bag of mush they secretly stow in the neighbour's bin because they don't want to deal with it.

That's the way it goes in life.

All my friends said they would defrost me. Yeah, right! I turned to my mother but I worry about her level of senility. As for my son, maybe when the money ran out he would give me a thought, but not for long enough to interrupt his nintendo schedule.

Then my sister called me. She swore she would thaw me out. I didn't believe her, as I hadn't believed the reassurances of anyone else. But she had the soundest rationale. I'm the only person who will go see our favourite band with her. I would just have to wait for them to tour and she'd have me in the microwave on the defrost setting. It's good to be loved, but better to be useful.

* for vegos think frozen legume substance.



Very good, but the big freeze wouldn't work on everyone. Lola Wolf could melt Antartica



RH.. I would really appreciate it if you didn't use my blog to attack other people.



What? If you're saying that's an attack on Miss Lola, you must be kidding.


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