They say bad things come in threes and I certainly found that true today.
Firstly, we went to see a preview of the new Gus Van Sant movie, Gerry. If you ever consider watching this movie, I would suggest that banging yourself repeatedly on the head with a hammer would be far more rewarding.
This is the plot of Gerry -- two guys, both called Gerry, go for a hike in the wilderness, get lost and walk around a lot. That isn't a plot summary either. That is the entire plot with lots of cloud footage. Now, I like speeded up footage of clouds as much as the next person but you need more than that to make a movie.
I left the cinema in the middle of the movie to feed my metre and ended up having to drive around for about 15 minutes to find another parking spot. When I got back, my friend told me I had missed some good footage of the characters walking around. Ho hum.
On top of all that, how can you feel any sympathy for two people who go hiking without taking water, without telling anyone where they are going and who decide it's a really good idea to wander off the walking track? And, to make it worse, Casey Affleck wanders through the desert for 3 days without ever taking his jumper off...god knows some bare chest action was much needed to save that movie.
Maybe there was some minimalist, arty meaning to the whole film but it surely eluded me. It was like Blair Witch Project without the sticks and stones and I just wanted both the Jerrys to die so I could get out of the cinema and have a cigarette.
Moral of the story - never go hiking.
My second bout of watching was Australian Idol. Boring. Boring. Boring. That first single is truly puke-worthy by Dianne Warren, the queen of puke-worthy.
Moral of the story - what good is gaining the world (or the Idol crown) if it means losing your soul?
Then we watched this thing on the ABC about Mary Queen of Scots. That wasn't badly made but boy was that Mary a prize bimbo. What was the deal with her?
If had been MQOS I would have spent more time beheading people and less time being all nicey-picey wanting to make peace. She let all those Scots people just walk all over her. Not me. I'd have given them what for.
I'd have said: "If want to be a catholic then stiff shit. Deal with it or I'll behead you. And while I'm at it, stop talking with those stupid accents."
And she let people get away with killing her dwarf. If were MQOS, no one would kill my dwarf and get away with it. Surely, you would have guards and stuff on your doors to prevent people from coming in and killing your dwarf. I would so have beheaded my dwarf killers.
She lets her stupid half-brother get away with dobbing on her to QE1 and doesn't catch on that they are plotting against her. Fool. She needed a tower to lock him in. QE1 had a tower. She'd have done it.
She sends her boyfriend off to kill her husband and he botches the job big time, getting them into all sorts of trouble. I wouldn't have sent my boyfriend off to do that job. I'd have had him beheaded. For being a bad shag. I think the people would have been behind me on that.
When it looks like the murder and stuff is going to lead to war, she gives herself up to her enemies. What a dumbarse! No way would I do that. I'd fight. I'd fight for my right to kill people with my divine mandate.
After she gives herself up, she fully expects her enemies, lead by her half-bro to have mercy on her. As if. Instead they lock her in the tower and kill her lover (aka her divine man date -- ha ha ha). They didn't show the locking in the tower bit on the telly, but I knew that already cos I know stuff about history.
I bet QE2 must curse out that she lives in the time of wussy rulers. Look at the old skool royals -- they got to kill and plunder and fuck around and behead ppl. now all they do is go watch displays of native dancing.
If I were queen I'd bring back the beheading -I'd start with Dianne Warren and Gus Van Sant would probably be next.
Moral of the story - QE1 wins cos she loves the beheading. But they all lose in the fashion stakes because those neck ruffles were the stupidest fashion idea ever,with maybe the exception of the bubble skirt.