* jazzyhands *

|| ||


::26.11.04:: Woes

If you are trying to click on the link to Lustre below or at the side and it doesn't work it is because I've exceeded my bandwidth for the month.

That is sad and annoying because it means the site is inaccessible but good because it means LOTS of traffic.

Anyways, if you were undecided about coming to the Carivale of the Sexuale on Thursday, then I urge you to come along. For a piddly $5 door charge you can help make the world a better place for porn.

Edited to say: Lustre is back up now....woohoo.. thanks to my very wonderful web host.



The world would be a better place without it.



Bullshit. We all love porn. Even you love porn, R.H. If you don't, you must be some kind of freak. Porn rules.

Porn for all!

David - metalcity.org



Porn rules - you.



Well maybe I've read of too many porn actresses committing suicide. The latest was in Marina del Rey. She hung herself, in her brand new bathroom.

Age: twenty-eight.



I love porn, you say? You're wrong, I despise it, for the same reason I despise pimps, child tamperers, and other degenerates. There's lots of things I'd love to do, but self respect holds me back. Self respect - not the law.
Root performances are a low way to get an audience. But if you can't act, or can't write, it's all there is.



Blah, blah, blah. You sound like some old guy who always wanted to do something worthwhile with his life, but has to make do with spouting his conservative views of the world via internet trolling, in a condescending tone of voice.

Yep. Porn stars kill themselves. So do accountants. So do doctors. So do lawyers. So do programmers. So do hairdressers. What's your point?

You're comparing porn stars to - heh - 'child tamperers'? What are you, 80 years old? If you can't see the difference between consenting adults with no hang-ups providing entertainment to other consenting adults, and Scoutmaster Raoul The Kiddy Fiddler, you are seriously stupid. In all of these anti-porn arguments, the weak-minded always reach for the 'but the children!' card.

You're absolutely right. Most porn stars can't act or write. That's why they are porn stars. Nobody is expecting them to be anything else, except cranky old failures on the internet. Go away and play with your pocket marbles, you repressed old shitbag - and ring 3AW while you're at it. You sound like their perfect demographic.

Porn for all!

David - metalcity.org



What's this? A message for me? At 12:08? In the a.m? (Golly, must be the porno hour.) Well hang on, I'll just think up a sensitive reply. You have to watch out nowadays. One false move and you're greeting the beak.

Back soon (sweetie pie).



Oh!- my goodness gracious golly me, but you're upset alright! Gone nuts. So how long has this been griping you? All day?
Well, what a laugh. I tell you, it's always funny to see you bums sweat. It doesn't take much. One small crit. and away you go. Complete bananas. All hysterical. Suddenly I'm an 80 year old shitbag who listens to 3AW.
You sure about that?
Porn is entertainment, you reckon. Well maybe it is - for jackasses who play with their dicks all day. Just excuse my lack of understanding, because the only time I touch my dick is when I have a piss. Truth is, I've got plenty of women. Five, if you want to know. All sure things. But listen, I'm not trying to pull the chain on your dunny show, enjoy it all you like. The real point is, I want to help you out a bit. You're from a broken family, that's what I think. What you need is a family re-union!
So here's my advice: track down your mother and ask which of her customers might be your dad. Mind you, he'll probably deny it. But keep at him.

(There now, if that don't prove I'm all heart!)



You only touch your dick when you piss RH? Is that because you do all your wanking online?



R.H, you're trying to use the most cliched methods of arguing online - and it's truly sad.

First, you go for the 'Oh, look how much I've upset you! Ha! Settle down there, I didn't mean to get you so angry!' route. Nice try. Thanks for playing.

The only time you touch your dick is 'when you take a piss'? God, you must be a seriously repressed, sad little man.

And although I'd never dare to question the fact that you clearly have multiple women on the go simultaneously - at least 5 by your account - but I'm not sure what relevance the rest of your post has to anything. It seems to be the ravings of someone trying way too hard - and because I care, I'll address your points one by one.

1. "All sure things. But listen, I'm not trying to pull the chain on your dunny show, enjoy it all you like."

I'm not even sure what the fuck this means. If you're going to speak, be concise and clear. Pulling weeds out of your subconscious and spraying them on a webpage in an attempt to sound condescending and important is extremely infantile.

2. "The real point is, I want to help you out a bit. You're from a broken family, that's what I think. What you need is a family re-union!"

Again, you're trying to sound important and witty. Again, you've failed. If you're going to take this line of attack - use your brain and base it on something besides the fact that I disagree with you, and have argued my point far more convincingly than you.

3. "So here's my advice: track down your mother and ask which of her customers might be your dad. Mind you, he'll probably deny it. But keep at him."

Ah. So, you're a grown man - allegedly an intelligent, well-read sort of chappie, who is attempting some kind of adult argument. Yet, your final point is.. 'Well, your Mum's a WHORE!'

Face it, R.H - you're a sad, sad loser. I can't even believe I'm bothering to argue with you, since I am so obviously your intellectual, moral, linguistic, and mental superior - but for the sake of upping the fun factor on the lovely Kathryn's webpage, I will.

You have no argument. You have nothing to say. 'I don't play with me dick cos I have SO MANY GIRLS ON THE GO!' is a truly, truly pathetic argument. Do you realise how much of a total loser you sound? Dude! And to finish up by using the old 'Your Mum's a slut!' routine? Oh, lordy. How can you expect to be taken seriously?

The answer is - you can't. You have no rational argument. You don't even have an irrational argument.

I suggest that you spend some time satisfying the MULTITUDES of ladies who are DESPERATE for a piece of you, and less time trying to look clever on the internet.

Although, I suspect that you'd fail at both.



The only complaint I've ever had from a lady was in a sleeper compartment on a train going up to Brisbane. She said I wasn't romantic enough. She complained quite a bit. Well she was mean far as I'm concerned, in the morning she got off at Sydney and I couldn't even bite her for five bucks. So how's that?
You spend a lot of time telling me what I am, and what you are. You accuse me of using cliches (Dude!) which I NEVER do. You repeat yourself. Rant and gush. Your writing is interesting for its effeminate tone, that's all. Aside from that, it's dull. The difference between me and you is that I give people a laugh, you give them boredom, that's all.
But tell me this, you've mentioned doctors, accountants etc, but what blogger here would be happy for their wives, or sisters, or daughters, or mothers, to have a job sucking cocks for a worldwide audience? Would you?
'Porn for everyone.' Wake up, you fool. These are women with serious problems. Coke and heroin addicts is what many of them are. Or else they couldn't do it. And it all gets worse. Bigger doses. Tell me I don't know. Sad little man that I am.



Bugger the internet. Do you think I care about the internet? Do you think it's my bloody life? I'm not on it for long. Never intended to be. I'm nearing the end.



Oh boy. I suspected that you were a loony before, but now you've proved it.

Who's upsetting who, exactly?

You never use cliches? BAHAHA. Everything you WRITE is a cliche, you worthless little shit. You are Mr. Morally-Indignant-Old-Fuddy-Presenting-The-Same-Tired-Cliched-Arguments-About-Porn. Why don't you experiment with getting an opinion of your own, you douchebag? And when you do it - try BACKING IT UP WITH FACTS.

Oh, and nice attempt at a cheap shot, regarding my 'effeminate writing'. You fool. That comment is so ridiculous and beneath contempt that I don't even know how to respond.

You don't 'give people a laugh'. Of the people who's blogs you invade, I have heard you only ever described as that 'stupid fucking troll'. You're not giving anyone a 'laugh' - you're just an annoying old wanker with no life.

Porn stars are women with serious problems? Says who?

Asia Carerra, classically trained pianist, MENSA member, and microbiologist?

What about Jenna Jameson, a multi-millionaire with a horse farm, and a string of 'legitimate' film credits?

And the litany of porn stars with postgraduate educations, who use their porn careers to fund their other business operations? Are they all "women with serious problems"?

You don't know what you're talking about, old man. Go and do some of that old-fashioned 'reading' stuff, and you might find out exactly why you sound like such a drooling, cretinous old fool.

There are cocaine and heroin addicts in every line of work, you imbecile. Again, one of your points is as worthless as your entire argument.

Weirdly enough, you went away, thought about things, and came back a half an hour later with this:

"Bugger the internet. Do you think I care about the internet? Do you think it's my bloody life? I'm not on it for long. Never intended to be. I'm nearing the end."

Nearing the end? Well, HURRY UP. And GO QUIETLY.



RH - you don't approve of porn, yet you own 5 inflatable sex dolls? How does that work?



It works by pumping them up. But the local servo won't let me use their air hose anymore. Motorists have complained. The dirty dogs!



OOOOOOOH! Bitchy today, aren't we! Shivers! You sound just like Molly Meldrum: an old queen in a cowboy hat. But dearie, settle down please, personal abuse isn't nice. Is calling someone a worthless little shit nice? No, we don't think so. But all the same, we sure wish we had the bitchy talent to come up with that sort of venom. My golly, yes.

What's really the matter, darling? Did your Louis Vuitton bag get a little scratch on it? Was your bum wobble along Commercial Road not fully appreciated? Or did that GORGEOUS boy behind the deli counter at Coles SERVE someone ahead of you! Well bugger it all sweetheart, just say "Woooo-oh!" Then say, "I'm juth a thilly thausage!" Then go home, powder your conk, and forget about it.

Well folks, when you know you're not right in the head you're apt to flare up, get all hysterical. And so they're always a bit touchy, these birds. Ready to kick up an enormous stink, especially when their guilty little pleasures are questioned. The best thing is to keep your trap shut, but even that can get you in trouble.

Anyone can produce porn. Anyone off the street could do it. Literature, it ain't. Fantasy, it is. And we all have them. But anyway, I'm still waiting to hear from any blogger who'd like to see their sister become a cock sucking porn star. Funny, but I'm expecting no takers.

Yours with solicitude,



1. The only one getting over excited here is you, RH. By the way, does the "R" stand for repressed? You seem mightily threatened by the thought that some people actually enjoy porn.

2. Anyone who has read more than the back of a cornflake box would realise that good writing is good writing, bad writing is bad writing - regardless of subject matter. I'd much rather read a well-written story about sex than a bad sci-fi fantasy or romance.

3. I have no "guilty" pleasures. What do I have to feel guilty about? Sex is good. Without it, the whole human race would be extinct. Or do you advocate IVF (with all genitalia handled with sterile gloves of course)?

4. If my sister became a "cock sucking porn star", I'd rejoice. What's wrong with being a porn star? God knows there are worse things you can be in life, eg. an internet troll.

5. "The best thing is to keep your trap shut" - finally, we agree on something.



Come off it, what a joke; people read porn for a perv, not for good writing. And you know it.
I've never been sure what an internet troll is, but if it's someone who provokes trouble for the fun of it then it's not me. I think you know that too. I believe everything I say. My heart's in it. But all the same, I'm not stupid, I always realise I could be wrong. My idea is to find out if I am. I'm a bit surprised at the ferocity I've copped over this. Some of it's close to insanity. Gives you the shivers.
The thing that's wrong about being a porn star is the same thing that was wrong about the crematoriums in Auswitz: human beings becoming less than cattle. Reduced to being things. Objects.
I don't see my attitude ever shifting from that.



Oh well, if you want me to shut up I can call it quits. It's just personal abuse, nothing else.



And I'll tell you something anonymous, just on the quiet. You would never call me those things to my face. It'd take guts. Guts you don't have.




I've been looking forward to your reply, R.H. I expected that you'd hit me with some more neocon blather, and that you'd completely fail to actually address any of the facts that I have used to make you look like the fool you are. And returning home tonight, what do I find?

13 lines in which you accuse me of being gay.

Are you serious? You can't be. I refuse to believe that someone so utterly ignorant and moronic actually exists - and seriously believes that their boneheaded thoughts are worthy of being spread across the internet. You are a sad, cretinous joke.

Pornography can't be good writing?

Anais Nin's 'Delta Of Venus'? D.H Lawrence? J.G Ballard's postmodern forays into erotica? Burroughs?

And what about film?

'Baise Moi'? 'Romance'? 'They Call Her One Eye'? Shit, even 'Basic Instinct'? All are extremely important, groundbreaking, visually and narratively arresting films - and all of them either contain non-simulated or extremely explicit sexual activity.

What about directors who began in sexploitation/pornography? Abel Ferrara? Sam Raimi? David Cronenberg? Edward D. Wood? Dave Friedman? Harry Novak?

The fact is, R.H - you're a sad, bigoted, homophobic, worthless excuse of a man. You can't win this argument so - yes. Just shut up. I have utterly demolished you. Resume your usual idiotic trolling - you are way out of your league here.

Oh, and since you asked - if I had a sister, would I care if she did porn?

Is she happy? Is she getting paid? Is it her vagina?

Yes, yes, yes?

Suck that cock, sweet sister. Suck it until you have a mansion.



Ooooh! Now Bob's threatening me!

The final resort of the tragically weak minded. Face it, bitch - I own you. Now shut the fuck up. You're my bitch.

Do you like your new name?



Do you realise how boring you are?



If you're bored, RH, well the internet is a big place. Don't let us keep you.




Okay. I've more to say. There's always one more thing to say, it never ends. But thanks. For everything.




Don't hold us in suspense, Bobby. You have one more point to make. Make it, you boring bastard. Make it, let me stomp on you some more, and then fuck off. And take your infantile habit of leaving pointless two line posts with you.




Hey Kathryn, Just dropping by to say I loved reading your last issue, and am looking forward to the new one. Keep them coming. There's some good writing in there! It's a shame that not everyone agrees with you, but hey, I've always said, if you don't like what you read, then don't go back to that blog - or how about the same thing when watching telly - if you don't like the show, change the channel!
Keep up the great work!



Thanks Rae



Dear twinkle-toes, if I owned you, you'd be in the back of my ute, on your way to the tip.
Check your comments. Even porn can get embarrassed. You've made it stink. And without much prompting.
All this should be a lesson to you. A lesson in psychology.
You're easily manipulated. Not very bright.



God, you are pathetic.

Here's a tip for you, R.H - try and form a coherent sentence that actually MEANS SOMETHING.

"Ho! Ho! Ho! Look how I manipulated you! Hee!", doesn't actually MEAN anything. Again, you're attempting to look intelligent and you're attempting to project an aura of having run verbal and logical rings around me. Face it, you've said nothing, you've got no argument - and now, you're having to resort to threatening me. Again. Pathetic.

I am out of your league. You can't win this - you haven't won this. And with every post you make, you reveal yourself to be more and more incapable of presenting any kind of argument. And with every post you make, you sound more and more like an incoherent, unhinged, babbling psychopath.

This should be a lesson to you, my lad. Pick your targets far more carefully in future - and don't try and engage in arguments you can't win. I am your superior - we both know it.

Now, please. Just be quiet. Don't reply. I'm seriously feeling embarassed for you. Just... hush.



Minor Adjustment in Commercial Road.
(Business as usual)

"Hi there, darling. I just hate your new outfit."

"I hate yours too."

"Thanks, dearie. Sad about your sex change as well, looks like they put the tits on your back instead of your front."

"What! Shut your cakehole, you dreary jaded old queen!"

"OH yeth? Well at least people can see if I'm coming or going!"

"Whooh! Say that again and I'll slap your face!"

"Save it, darls. You wouldn't have the energy."

"Oh yeth? Well cop thith!'


[Tits ending up in the right position]

"Thank you, darling."

"Welcome, dear."


Wow! How's that! Not Bad, eh? Only the short version, of course. But hey! twinkle-toes! (tiddles, snookums, creamcake,) did you like that? And would you like a funny poem as well? Same subject? When do you want it, tonight or tomorrow. Let's know!

(All this inspired by you of course, the author being quite indifferent to this subject - until meeting you!)



Hee hee. So let's get this straight: a 'man' who doesn't like to touch his own dick is commenting frequently on the depravity of porn on a blog dedicated to erotica, which he claims he never reads because he's rarely on the internet? If it wasn't so funny it would be worrying. Maybe he uses a special pair of tongs to take a piss. Maybe that's some sort of fetish. "Baby, get the tongs, I'm horny."

I love porn. I want my sister to suck cock for a living. I want me and my sister to suck cock for a living, making movies with men who use kitchen implements to handle their dirty, filthy penises, and who moan "who's your daddy" at the point of climax (approx 25 degrees or thirty seconds), to which we breathlessly reply "we'll ask mummy later."

Sometimes, you just gotta laugh.



Sorry dear, your first paragraph's your imaginings. None it's ever been said. Second paragraph: What's it mean? Third paragraph. True. Spot on.



I'm really not quite sure what to say. In a way, I'm grateful. Thanks to R.H, I'm getting a glimpse into the thought processes of a truly damaged mind.

Did you seriously think that post was... I'm just speechless. You can't have honestly thought you were being witty, or interesting. Surely, THAT was an example of you 'giving people a laugh'. My god, that was truly wretched. Your idea of comedy is 'you have a sex change and your tits are on your back!' Are you *retarded*? Seriously - there is something wrong with a grown man thinking that he is in any way witty or clever with quasi-coherent babblings like those.

But, yes. Please - how about your poem? This has turned from annoying into funny - I don't even have to TRY to make you look like an imbecile anymore, you're doing it yourself. I almost feel ashamed of myself for making fun of you - it is clear that you have some kind of legitimate disability, or psychological condition. So, seriously - I'm sorry. If you'd shown your true colours as a mentally challenged gentleman to begin with, I wouldn't have destroyed you quite so thoroughly.

Oh, and the threats are really getting old. Who's upset who again? Stop being such a crybaby, stop trying to act tough, and face the fact that you're a complete and total moron. Stop making a fool of yourself. It is becoming more embarassing by the minute.



I'll tell you, I've never said I don't like touching my dick. Sometimes I give it a scratch through my pants, you have to. But I don't grab the bloody thing and strangle it after landing a hard on from reading porn. Okay? Because I don't look at porn. Who needs it?I've said I won't be on the internet for long, meaning weeks, months.
I'm here because Miss Jazzyhands has grace, that's all. And because I admire her grit.



"Well maybe it is - for jackasses who play with their dicks all day. Just excuse my lack of understanding, because the only time I touch my dick is when I have a piss."




Mr anonymous, You're like some 19th century professor, droning on, and on, and on. Turgid, full of words, same thing over and over. You put me to sleep. Round and round you go, then you start all over again.
You don't build a case, you suffocate it.
I've never threatened you. But it's a wonder I haven't, considering the dirty low comments you've made to me. If you ever did say those things to a bloke's face you'd be in trouble. And you know it. You've even sounded insane. Absolutely. Spit flying everywhere. And you reckon I'm nuts?
So what good do you think a performance like that does for your pet cause: pornography? As far as damaging it goes, I could hardly do beter. And yes, we could have debated it calmly and rationally, as you keep saying, but you made it an abuse session right from the start. I've spent this whole time returning fire from you, that's all.
Well no wonder you hide. No wonder you're anonymous. But what credibility does it give you - and your cause?
None at all.



Why are you always quoting my stuff back at me, have you heard that's a smart tactic or something? And why are you always lifting it out of context? Well, I know why; you'll do what suits you. But in that case you're lying. Being dishonest. And most of all to yourself. Is it worth it?
Here's what I said: "Porn is entertainment, you reckon. Well maybe it is - for jackasses who play with their dicks all day. Just excuse my lack of understanding, because the only time I touch my dick is when I have a piss."
Do you take things literally? Are you so bound up that you'd pounce on an admission the I give the old donger a scratch through my trousers now and again?
Well, your grave concern over such a trivial point (my dick) demonstrates just how bonkers you are. Really.



Lordy me, R.H. You are all kinds of crazy.

But relax. Let me address your points one by one so that we don't get ahead of ourselves, and so that you're not forced into a state of raging incoherence yet again.

Do I think you're nuts? Yes! Because, R.H - you clearly ARE nuts. During this entire thing, you've had absolutely no arguments, you've been utterly incapable of refuting any of my points, you dodge the issue entirely, and your entire line of attack has been either 'Well, you're gay!' or, in the most amusing instance, 'Well, your Mum's a whore!'

I have set up an electric fence of facts - irrefutable facts - that you are currently trapped inside. We both know that you simply do not have the intelligence, nor the knowledge, to escape - so, you resort to whimpering and whining and calling me a 'queen'.

Why do I keep quoting your words back at you?

To illustrate your utter lack of comprehension of this argument, and to prove your propensity for cliche, hypocrisy, and flat-out lying.

I'm a liar? What on earth have I lied about?

You said 'I only touch my dick when I take a piss'. That's what you said. Later, you claimed that you never said that. It's a pretty open and shut case, R.H - you either lied, or you're a nutcase. Take your pick.

Actually, that point wasn't mine. It was Gem's. She called you on your hilarious claims of your presumably undernourished genitalia being a Hands Off Zone. I couldn't care less. I just found it amusing that you'd so blatantly lie.

Just to prove how much control I have over your ego, your mind, your life, and your erection - I am going to disregard the last 40 or so posts, and return to the original point of this. And, while doing that, I will still bitch slap you intellectually.

You have failed to provide any evidence that there's anything wrong with pornography. You have failed to provide any evidence that there is anything wrong with masturbation. You have failed to provide any evidence that porn stars are mistreated/drug addicts/mental patients/things to be ashamed of. You have failed to provide any evidence that pornography has any harmful effects, be they psychological, emotional, or cultural.

In short, you have failed. You are a failure. But, please - keep posting, if you want me to continue to humiliate you publicly. People have been reading this thread and sending me messages where they are dumbfounded that such a total imbecile is attempting to argue on this kind of sophisticated level.

Or, as one person put it: 'This guy thinks he has The Smarts. But he's just incredibly stupid.'

Your move, R.H.



Right! That does it!

(And pinks)

A night in the clink
Gives you time to think
How you're looked at strange
When you've had a sex change.
And there's always some brute
Who'll call you a fruit
And ask what's it like
Having a root.


But who are they
To have the last say?
Nature's cockeyed
When it comes to nature
Nothing's taboo,
A platypus
Is a strange creature too.

Blossom, you're a fine judge. The judge of everything. Funny how I always come off worse. What a surprise. Well here's one for you: I know who you are. Chew on that, blossom. Chew gravel.

Laughingly yours,




Thanks for validating everything I've said, R.H. With that asinine post, you justified what I've been saying far more convincingly than I ever could.

Oh. Is that what you call 'giving people a laugh'? If so, I wouldn't quit your day job. 'Humour' seems to something that is completely beyond your grasp. But, it's a nice excuse for you to talk about gays and transsexuals, isn't it?

You know who I am?

I know who you are too.

You'd be surprised at the wealth of information a little well-placed questioning can provide, courtesy of the bloggers that you've pissed off.

Take it easy, Bobby.



You're like Days of our Lives.


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