* jazzyhands *

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::11.12.04:: Reasons I Hate Christmas:

1. Christmas Carols in all shapes and forms suck. I don't want to hear Rudolph the Red Nose Raindeer while I'm waiting for my train at Flagstaff, and I most particularly I don't want to hear Last Christmas by Wham! which isn't even a Christmas carol. Just because a song mentions Christmas, doesn't mean it's a Christmas song, okay. And that song is like abysmal even for a Wham! song which is truly saying something. I mean, check out the lyrics -

Last Christmas I gave you my heart
The very next day, you gave it away...

Honestly, if you gave someone your heart and they gave it away, then you would be dead, not having sex in public toilets.

Even worse, are the people in the city playing carols on the tuba. The tuba is the least sexy instrument in the world. Just don't, okay. Tubas are hard to extract from bodily orifices.

2. Buying people shit - remember how they told us as kids that it is better to give than receive? Yeah, well I think that advice was meant for sexual partners that are into golden showers more than rellos who think that oversized undies and cotton hankies make good gifts.

My absolute pet hate is people who have "gift boxes" - you know, they buy crap during the year like fancy soaps or candles or bargain basement cookbooks or whatever then at Christmas time go through it and decide what they are going to give people. To me, that is worse than getting nothing. If I get a gift, I want someone to go out shopping with ME in mind not some crappy candle they got on special at last year's after Christmas sale. I guess it's a step up from recycling that lavendar soap-on-a-rope that Auntie Madge gave you last year, but only just.

I hate Christmas shopping in stores crowded with people. I hate HAVING to give gifts. If I want to give someone a present I would rather do it spontaneously throughout the year than to have gift-giving imposed on me by some quasi-religious holiday.

Another thing I hate are people who get themselves into mega-debt to buy extravagent and over the top gifts. Not that this affects me personally, because no one I know is this stupid, but it irks me anyway, after all I have to hear about it on A Current Affair.

Who wants a gift that someone has sold their soul to the credit card companies to buy you? Are most people in the world too stupid to understand one simple rule - if you can't afford it, don't buy it? So what if your kid is the only one in the street who doesn't get a new Playstation/ Ipod/ Barbie Beach House for Christmas? It will be character building for them and, in later life, they will thank you for it. If they don't, then why bust your gut buying if for the ungrateful sods in the first place. And think of this - why should your spoilt little brat get an Ipod when I work my fingers to the bone and cannot afford one because all my money goes on bills and taxes (that's right, taxes that help pay for YOUR brat to go to their fancy private school). If you do buy them an Ipod then just tell them to keep it well hidden if they are travelling alone on public transport. I'm not threatening, just saying.

3. Not working - it's alright for you bastards with permanent jobs and perks like paid public holidays. If I don't work, I don't get paid, but the bills don't take a holiday. It makes it even worse having to put up with happy, cheery, going-on-paid-hols people...blah.

If it were possible I'd work all through Christmas. Christmas day - triple time - bring it on. At least it would save me from...

4. Family - especially my family. Seeing them once a year at Christmas is more than enough time with my family. My family have not realised that sometimes it is possible to think something and NOT say it out loud. Like maybe everyone thinks that you have stacked on the weight since last year - doesn't mean you have to say it out loud. Maybe everyone thinks you look like shit in that dress - doesn't mean you have to say it out loud. Maybe everyone thinks they earn more money than you do - just fucking shut up about it (that one is particularly fuck-off-worthy - my sister never fails to mention how much money she earns, dunno where she was in that part of our childhood where we learnt talking about money was bad form).

5. Christmas Day - you get up, open your presents, cook and eat a huge meal then it is kinda grey and empty. You and your family just sit around and stare at each other.

This is the best Christmas I have had - my sister, a friend and I slept until lunch time, went to a Vietnamese place in Victoria Street for lunch, then went to the Prince of Wales and got pissed. Perfect.



Reasons to like Christmas:
- because most of us are in permanent jobs and therefore get a little holiday
- because people have to be nice to me (although I do have to return the favour)
- Christmas parties
- I get to complaint about the crap they play on the radio e.g. that Snoopy song, and everyone will agree with me



With you there... I have a great idea for an internet company - a Christmas matchmaking service where you swap parents. the only thing standing in people's way is guilt...I'd quite happily take on other families' neuroses if someone could hang out with mine. what a shame christmas can't be staggered to enable that....

A friend of mine has a one year old son who had a birthday recently and i just didnt get it together to get a present... i'm the sort of perosn who sees stuff during th eyear that i think would be perfect for that person. anyway, he's got enough toys - i'd rather give her something., so i spotted the perfect bok the other week- it leapt from the shelves. a much beter alternative. i don't think i'll start giving him presents til he's reached the age of reason. or three.



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